Uncharted territory.

Today I had two hours after school where I had nothing to do because Zack had practice and weightlifting for softball was canceled, so I pulled out my journal and started to write.  After an hour, my hand had a huge cramp in it and my elbows hurt from propping myself up on the cold, hard floor.  And, I had to pee.  So, I took a quick bathroom break and then started flipping through my journal.

I am thirteen pages from having no room left.  It is rather bittersweet... but fitting at the same time... See, I am in uncharted territory.

This summer was not a great summer for me.  It was a time full of doubts, questions, and misunderstandings.  I was angry at God many times.  At one point on a missions-oriented trip I sat at the foot of a cross and basically told God that I didn't like Him anymore and I didn't believe He could do anything for me.  The scariest part?  I don't remember much of that happening.  Yes, I remember a rough summer where I wrestled with the idea of freedom and what that means.  I also remember laying in bed feeling incredibly inadequate, worthless, and inferior.  I just hadn't remembered going through so many questions.

But... I don't want to take that summer back.  Because of those questions and doubts, I now know more about God than I ever knew.

I am in uncharted territory because I have never given over my entire self to God.  I have been on a journey these last eight months to finally give up my past.  I read over and over in my own handwriting how the past seemed safer and easier, but I know that the past is full of pain that I do not want to experience again.  Today I handed it to God.  Sharing my testimony next Saturday (it was moved... :( frustrated) will also be a step in forever closing that door.

But not closing it so that I forget about it.  I will never forget the things God has freed me from.  It isn't an option.  Those things have shaped me.  Because I am alive in Christ, though, those things no longer hold onto me.

I am in uncharted territory.  Please pray with me as I seek God's will and live in freedom.  Pray with me as I surrender with every sunrise.  Please pray as I close this journal and open my new one.

Which, fittingly, has a verse on the front:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."