Fights, Stories, and Tears

"My God is not dead. He is surely alive."


I got into a fight with God tonight.

Really? Who gets into a fight with the creator of the universe?

Me.

I got into the car to drive to small groups and I was mad. I was mad God was making me share my testimony.
I turned off the radio and I sat there huffily.
"I'm not going to do it!" I said out loud. "You can't make me."
I was driving down the road telling God He couldn't make me do something. Yes, sometimes I act like a three-year-old. Sorry. A knot sat in my stomach and I wanted to throw up. I was nervous. I was terrified. I did NOT want to go to small groups.
I thought about turning around and going home. But I kept on driving. Right into Nappanee and into the field next to the house where we meet.
No one else was there yet. I pulled out my journal and tried to write everything down. I tried to be honest. I tried to calm down.
I was terrified. What would the other girls think? Was I going to cry the way I had when I wrote it?  (which, by the way, was me basically rolled into a ball, sobbing. no, I did not enjoy writing it.) I was scared. I tried to reassure myself.
Deep breath.
"God is still with me."
Deep breath.
"He loves me when no one else does."
Another girl pulled up and we went out to the pool house. My small group ate dinner and we talked about stuff that had happened since we had met last.
Then, Tonya, our leader, gave me the floor.
Now, I hate talking for long periods of time. I hate one-sided conversations and long stories about one moment/event. I had to fight all those fears tonight. I grabbed some tissues and started. I had it written on my iPod as a guideline, so I kept referencing it. In the second paragraph I started crying. My voice got all weird and after that I kept losing my train of thought. (which resulted in lots of "um"s and "like"s.)
At one point I thought I was going to cry and not be able to stop (but I pulled through).
When I finished I was still terrified. What did they think of me? Did I ruin their idea of me? 

I'm scared of the dark in unfamiliar areas, so I waited for someone to walk out to their car so I could go with them when it was time to leave. 
I climbed into my car and frantically shut the door and locked it behind me. (fear of the dark. I have to have the doors locked at ALL times.) 
I sat in my car with the keys in the ignition for a few seconds and thought. I started my car and started my journey home. I shut off the radio and started to sing. 
I don't have a great voice, but I I knew I couldn't sing with someone else leading me at that moment. 
After awhile, I started talking out loud to God. I didn't really realize I was speaking, but words kept coming out. I talked to Him like He was right there in the passenger seat. I started crying as I talked to Him. 
Yes, He already knew all those things, but I still had to tell Him. I had to admit things and ask Him to hold onto me and help me believe. 
One thing I kept saying again and again was "I don't want to keep living like this." I don't want to keep depending on things to keep me happy. All I want is God. 

I'm still processing all the things God showed me while I shared tonight. 

Tonight was one of the best nights I have had in quite a long time. (: