I find Facebook friending dumb.
Really dumb.
I went to camp last week.
I met lots of new people. The ones I actually met and created a friendship with, I added. Because I wanted to stay connected with them.
But I continue getting requests from people who I do not recognize and would not be able to pick out of the crowd... I'm sorry... I mean, if you really want to be my friend on Facebook, message me and tell me why... Because if I don't know you I won't accept the request. I don't mean to hurt anyone by saying that... It's just true. I don't add everyone. My friends on Facebook are my friends. I don't add the people who were mean to me in third grade. I don't add everyone in my entire grade.
Sorry, I like a little privacy.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Logging out of Facebook...
Last night I logged out of Facebook on my iPod and moved the app to a different, empty page. Why? Because I'm giving up Facebook for a while. Why would I do that?
Well, I spend a lot of time on Facebook. And I've been out of school a month and haven't even read a book.
So I decided I would log out of Facebook at least until camp. So that I could get back to writing, crafting, and blogging.
So what did I do on my first day without Facebook?
1. I laid in the sun and read Harry Potter (finished book 1!).
2. I made about 10 more flower hair clips that I am selling for $3 a piece. (email me for a picture)
3. I played frisbee with my brother.
I still plan on doing a bit of TAWG outside while watching the sunset, some journaling, and writing a few letters to my small group girls.
One day without Facebook and I feel like I have done so much!
Well, I spend a lot of time on Facebook. And I've been out of school a month and haven't even read a book.
So I decided I would log out of Facebook at least until camp. So that I could get back to writing, crafting, and blogging.
So what did I do on my first day without Facebook?
1. I laid in the sun and read Harry Potter (finished book 1!).
2. I made about 10 more flower hair clips that I am selling for $3 a piece. (email me for a picture)
3. I played frisbee with my brother.
I still plan on doing a bit of TAWG outside while watching the sunset, some journaling, and writing a few letters to my small group girls.
One day without Facebook and I feel like I have done so much!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Be patient with me...
heard a beautiful song today.
It's called "Lover of Ashes" an it's by JJ Heller.
Here are the lyrics:
Simple voice talk to me in simple words
Gentle wind come sing to me the songs that I know
Come to me and hold my heart inside of me
Come and see
Come and see in me
Oh lover of ashes
Be patient with me
My filthy complexion is all that I see
But up from these ashes a beauty will rise
The pride of her father
Though humble in size
Perfect love
Fill my soul with melody
Perfect words of perfect peace
I will breathe, I will sing
I will breathe, I will sing
"Oh lover of ashes, be patient with me"....
I definitely need God's patience right now. Things are so weird. Things aren't feeling quite right...
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
It's called "Lover of Ashes" an it's by JJ Heller.
Here are the lyrics:
Simple voice talk to me in simple words
Gentle wind come sing to me the songs that I know
Come to me and hold my heart inside of me
Come and see
Come and see in me
Oh lover of ashes
Be patient with me
My filthy complexion is all that I see
But up from these ashes a beauty will rise
The pride of her father
Though humble in size
Perfect love
Fill my soul with melody
Perfect words of perfect peace
I will breathe, I will sing
I will breathe, I will sing
"Oh lover of ashes, be patient with me"....
I definitely need God's patience right now. Things are so weird. Things aren't feeling quite right...
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Friday, March 25, 2011
Getting to say goodbye.
Let's say you have been given a month to live. What do you do in that time?
First, I would probably cry. I would cry because I would feel like I still had many things left to do, but then I would realize God knows what He is doing.
Next, I would start writing letters. I would write a letter to each person I love. My cousins, my parents, my friends, and the people I wish I had worked things out with. I wouldn't tell anyone about them. Each letter would be placed in an envelope, the name scrawled across the front, and then tossed into a box with the rest of them.
Why would I do this? Well... I communicate through written language. I don't communicate well through spoken words very well. And I have hundreds of things I want people to know. I want people to know about hope and real love. I want people to know about freedom.
The next thing I would do is write my story. All of it. From different angles, with different things emphasized.
I would also continue to journal. I would fill up blank pages with what was going on, how I felt, and my prayers to the God who could heal me.
A few days before my month was up, I would make sure someone had all my journals. I would tell that person to share them. I would tell them to share my story. The ugly parts. The pretty parts.
But through everything else I would do, I would also spend time with people. And just talk. Just be. I would slow down, like I always meant to, and really get to know the people I love. I would ask for funny stories and sad stories.
I would pray a heck of a lot, too.
So, if you had a month left to live, what would you do? Who would you spend it with? Where would you go?
First, I would probably cry. I would cry because I would feel like I still had many things left to do, but then I would realize God knows what He is doing.
Next, I would start writing letters. I would write a letter to each person I love. My cousins, my parents, my friends, and the people I wish I had worked things out with. I wouldn't tell anyone about them. Each letter would be placed in an envelope, the name scrawled across the front, and then tossed into a box with the rest of them.
Why would I do this? Well... I communicate through written language. I don't communicate well through spoken words very well. And I have hundreds of things I want people to know. I want people to know about hope and real love. I want people to know about freedom.
The next thing I would do is write my story. All of it. From different angles, with different things emphasized.
I would also continue to journal. I would fill up blank pages with what was going on, how I felt, and my prayers to the God who could heal me.
A few days before my month was up, I would make sure someone had all my journals. I would tell that person to share them. I would tell them to share my story. The ugly parts. The pretty parts.
But through everything else I would do, I would also spend time with people. And just talk. Just be. I would slow down, like I always meant to, and really get to know the people I love. I would ask for funny stories and sad stories.
I would pray a heck of a lot, too.
So, if you had a month left to live, what would you do? Who would you spend it with? Where would you go?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Music day
I have been holding onto this (^^) song as a promise. Especially the "You are peace. You are peace when my fear is crippling". It's been a phrase I repeat a lot.
I like to worship God in Spanish. Last night driving down the road I sang Spanish songs because I remembered the lyrics.
Perception.
"How did you know?" She sent.
"I don't know... I just did." I replied.
Sometimes, I just know things. Not like knowledge. I mean when a person walks by me or walks up to me, sometimes I know exactly what they are struggling with (or have struggled with).
A perfect example happened over Christmas break at Winter Retreat. There was a girl there who I had seen before, but never met. After talking to her I felt like we were kind of similar. When she shared during small group times I knew more and more that she was a lot like me. (I stalked her blog after WR and found out my suspicions were correct. (: ) She never out right said anything outright about certain things, I just knew.
Those of you who know me know that I give hugs a lot. Some days I need a hug, so I go through my day looking for someone who might need a hug. And when I see the right person, I just know.
We talked about hearing God's voice during chapel groups a while back. We were asked if we had ever hears God's voice and, if so, what it sounded like. I have never heard a booming voice like Moses hears in the movies. I often receive a little prodding in my chest. Instead of a cmand "Kaylyn, you must do this if you love Me", He uses His still, small voice to tug and nudge my heart towards the people with needs.
Tonight after sharin my testimony one girl mentioned I was a great encourager. (Thanks Sabrina!) That's not me. I honestly believe God uses my hands to type or write those things. I just listen for the things I am supposed to write.
I can't explain it, but I keep using it because I know it's God.
(Oh, and I have lunch with the girl from the first paragraph on Sunday. At least, I will if everything works out. I'm so excited! I sent her a copy of my testimony tonight. I had been debating for a long time over whether or not I should send it to her. Finally, I sucked up my fear and sent it off through the vast world of the Internet. It was a good decision.)
"I don't know... I just did." I replied.
Sometimes, I just know things. Not like knowledge. I mean when a person walks by me or walks up to me, sometimes I know exactly what they are struggling with (or have struggled with).
A perfect example happened over Christmas break at Winter Retreat. There was a girl there who I had seen before, but never met. After talking to her I felt like we were kind of similar. When she shared during small group times I knew more and more that she was a lot like me. (I stalked her blog after WR and found out my suspicions were correct. (: ) She never out right said anything outright about certain things, I just knew.
Those of you who know me know that I give hugs a lot. Some days I need a hug, so I go through my day looking for someone who might need a hug. And when I see the right person, I just know.
We talked about hearing God's voice during chapel groups a while back. We were asked if we had ever hears God's voice and, if so, what it sounded like. I have never heard a booming voice like Moses hears in the movies. I often receive a little prodding in my chest. Instead of a cmand "Kaylyn, you must do this if you love Me", He uses His still, small voice to tug and nudge my heart towards the people with needs.
Tonight after sharin my testimony one girl mentioned I was a great encourager. (Thanks Sabrina!) That's not me. I honestly believe God uses my hands to type or write those things. I just listen for the things I am supposed to write.
I can't explain it, but I keep using it because I know it's God.
(Oh, and I have lunch with the girl from the first paragraph on Sunday. At least, I will if everything works out. I'm so excited! I sent her a copy of my testimony tonight. I had been debating for a long time over whether or not I should send it to her. Finally, I sucked up my fear and sent it off through the vast world of the Internet. It was a good decision.)
Fights, Stories, and Tears
"My God is not dead. He is surely alive."
I got into a fight with God tonight.
Really? Who gets into a fight with the creator of the universe?
Me.
I got into the car to drive to small groups and I was mad. I was mad God was making me share my testimony.
I turned off the radio and I sat there huffily.
"I'm not going to do it!" I said out loud. "You can't make me."
I was driving down the road telling God He couldn't make me do something. Yes, sometimes I act like a three-year-old. Sorry. A knot sat in my stomach and I wanted to throw up. I was nervous. I was terrified. I did NOT want to go to small groups.
I thought about turning around and going home. But I kept on driving. Right into Nappanee and into the field next to the house where we meet.
No one else was there yet. I pulled out my journal and tried to write everything down. I tried to be honest. I tried to calm down.
I was terrified. What would the other girls think? Was I going to cry the way I had when I wrote it? (which, by the way, was me basically rolled into a ball, sobbing. no, I did not enjoy writing it.) I was scared. I tried to reassure myself.
Deep breath.
"God is still with me."
Deep breath.
"He loves me when no one else does."
Another girl pulled up and we went out to the pool house. My small group ate dinner and we talked about stuff that had happened since we had met last.
Then, Tonya, our leader, gave me the floor.
Now, I hate talking for long periods of time. I hate one-sided conversations and long stories about one moment/event. I had to fight all those fears tonight. I grabbed some tissues and started. I had it written on my iPod as a guideline, so I kept referencing it. In the second paragraph I started crying. My voice got all weird and after that I kept losing my train of thought. (which resulted in lots of "um"s and "like"s.)
At one point I thought I was going to cry and not be able to stop (but I pulled through).
When I finished I was still terrified. What did they think of me? Did I ruin their idea of me?
I'm scared of the dark in unfamiliar areas, so I waited for someone to walk out to their car so I could go with them when it was time to leave.
I climbed into my car and frantically shut the door and locked it behind me. (fear of the dark. I have to have the doors locked at ALL times.)
I sat in my car with the keys in the ignition for a few seconds and thought. I started my car and started my journey home. I shut off the radio and started to sing.
I don't have a great voice, but I I knew I couldn't sing with someone else leading me at that moment.
After awhile, I started talking out loud to God. I didn't really realize I was speaking, but words kept coming out. I talked to Him like He was right there in the passenger seat. I started crying as I talked to Him.
Yes, He already knew all those things, but I still had to tell Him. I had to admit things and ask Him to hold onto me and help me believe.
One thing I kept saying again and again was "I don't want to keep living like this." I don't want to keep depending on things to keep me happy. All I want is God.
I'm still processing all the things God showed me while I shared tonight.
Tonight was one of the best nights I have had in quite a long time. (:
I got into a fight with God tonight.
Really? Who gets into a fight with the creator of the universe?
Me.
I got into the car to drive to small groups and I was mad. I was mad God was making me share my testimony.
I turned off the radio and I sat there huffily.
"I'm not going to do it!" I said out loud. "You can't make me."
I was driving down the road telling God He couldn't make me do something. Yes, sometimes I act like a three-year-old. Sorry. A knot sat in my stomach and I wanted to throw up. I was nervous. I was terrified. I did NOT want to go to small groups.
I thought about turning around and going home. But I kept on driving. Right into Nappanee and into the field next to the house where we meet.
No one else was there yet. I pulled out my journal and tried to write everything down. I tried to be honest. I tried to calm down.
I was terrified. What would the other girls think? Was I going to cry the way I had when I wrote it? (which, by the way, was me basically rolled into a ball, sobbing. no, I did not enjoy writing it.) I was scared. I tried to reassure myself.
Deep breath.
"God is still with me."
Deep breath.
"He loves me when no one else does."
Another girl pulled up and we went out to the pool house. My small group ate dinner and we talked about stuff that had happened since we had met last.
Then, Tonya, our leader, gave me the floor.
Now, I hate talking for long periods of time. I hate one-sided conversations and long stories about one moment/event. I had to fight all those fears tonight. I grabbed some tissues and started. I had it written on my iPod as a guideline, so I kept referencing it. In the second paragraph I started crying. My voice got all weird and after that I kept losing my train of thought. (which resulted in lots of "um"s and "like"s.)
At one point I thought I was going to cry and not be able to stop (but I pulled through).
When I finished I was still terrified. What did they think of me? Did I ruin their idea of me?
I'm scared of the dark in unfamiliar areas, so I waited for someone to walk out to their car so I could go with them when it was time to leave.
I climbed into my car and frantically shut the door and locked it behind me. (fear of the dark. I have to have the doors locked at ALL times.)
I sat in my car with the keys in the ignition for a few seconds and thought. I started my car and started my journey home. I shut off the radio and started to sing.
I don't have a great voice, but I I knew I couldn't sing with someone else leading me at that moment.
After awhile, I started talking out loud to God. I didn't really realize I was speaking, but words kept coming out. I talked to Him like He was right there in the passenger seat. I started crying as I talked to Him.
Yes, He already knew all those things, but I still had to tell Him. I had to admit things and ask Him to hold onto me and help me believe.
One thing I kept saying again and again was "I don't want to keep living like this." I don't want to keep depending on things to keep me happy. All I want is God.
I'm still processing all the things God showed me while I shared tonight.
Tonight was one of the best nights I have had in quite a long time. (:
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Nervous.
"It's not about what you did then. It's about who you are now." -me
At 6:30 pm tomorrow night I will be sharing my testimony with my small group. I keep hoping it will be moved to next week. There is a knot in my stomach that churns and aches when think about sharing. I shouldn't be so scared, but I am. Just like in the rest of my life, I fear rejection and failure. I fear my small group might not understand and will not work to understand. I fear I might even be able to share because I will cry. I have gone over the events I'm sharing over and over in my mind, but I know as soon as I start talking, I will start crying. I cried just holding my pen to my paper. I can't imagine how much I will cry as I actually speak.
I also fear people thinking that my past is my present and my future. It's not, but I don't know how many girls will realize that.
I know Jesus is my strength, but in situations like this it is so hard to just hand it all over.
At 6:30 pm tomorrow night I will be sharing my testimony with my small group. I keep hoping it will be moved to next week. There is a knot in my stomach that churns and aches when think about sharing. I shouldn't be so scared, but I am. Just like in the rest of my life, I fear rejection and failure. I fear my small group might not understand and will not work to understand. I fear I might even be able to share because I will cry. I have gone over the events I'm sharing over and over in my mind, but I know as soon as I start talking, I will start crying. I cried just holding my pen to my paper. I can't imagine how much I will cry as I actually speak.
I also fear people thinking that my past is my present and my future. It's not, but I don't know how many girls will realize that.
I know Jesus is my strength, but in situations like this it is so hard to just hand it all over.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Overcome
Tonight we sang "How He Loves". That song is absolutely my favorite.
Especially when I switch up the lyrics.
Tonight instead of singing
I sang
I always change the pronouns "He" to "You" and "us" to "me". No, I don't think singing those words is selfish at all. Especially as someone who has searched for real love for the longest time.
As I sang I became overcome. And I just started crying. I felt kind of dumb because tears were running down my face and my breathing was doing that shaky thing. I was standing there with my arms up in the air crying out to God with my tears and my voice (which was NOT in tune)... and I felt so broken. God reminded me where I came from. He reminded me I am not done healing. And then He held me. If anyone had physically touched me right then, I am pretty sure I would have totally broken down. Like sobbing uncontrollably.
Tonight was one of the best times of worship I have ever had. I can honestly say I was not worried about what other people were saying about me or the way I looked to the people around me. I know it's not all about the way I feel, but I know I honestly engaged in worship tonight. It was hard to stay focused at first, but I shut my eyes and let the words coming out of my mouth be my prayer and truth I was confident in.
Dear people who read this, please be praying on Sunday evening around 6:30-7. I'm going to be sharing my testimony with my small group. I am terrified. I'm working on giving that fear over to God, but I am scared I won't be able to share. I'm praying like crazy, but thinking about it makes my heart beat fast and my palms sweat. I know God is going to be there while I share... but I still fear judgment and abandonment.
So, please pray I would be calm and not freak out. Pray I would not cry (too much). Pray I would have the right words as well.
Especially when I switch up the lyrics.
Tonight instead of singing
Yeah He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Yeah You love me
Oh how You love me
Oh how You love me
As I sang I became overcome. And I just started crying. I felt kind of dumb because tears were running down my face and my breathing was doing that shaky thing. I was standing there with my arms up in the air crying out to God with my tears and my voice (which was NOT in tune)... and I felt so broken. God reminded me where I came from. He reminded me I am not done healing. And then He held me. If anyone had physically touched me right then, I am pretty sure I would have totally broken down. Like sobbing uncontrollably.
Tonight was one of the best times of worship I have ever had. I can honestly say I was not worried about what other people were saying about me or the way I looked to the people around me. I know it's not all about the way I feel, but I know I honestly engaged in worship tonight. It was hard to stay focused at first, but I shut my eyes and let the words coming out of my mouth be my prayer and truth I was confident in.
Dear people who read this, please be praying on Sunday evening around 6:30-7. I'm going to be sharing my testimony with my small group. I am terrified. I'm working on giving that fear over to God, but I am scared I won't be able to share. I'm praying like crazy, but thinking about it makes my heart beat fast and my palms sweat. I know God is going to be there while I share... but I still fear judgment and abandonment.
So, please pray I would be calm and not freak out. Pray I would not cry (too much). Pray I would have the right words as well.
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